Articles, Blog

Brian Regan – Boo Sailboat – This Is Not Happening

August 24, 2019


– Now they’re all booing. Now it’s unanimous. It’s the loudest thing
I’d ever heard. It was… “Boo!
Boo!”[percussive music]– [screaming][dark electronic music][crashing] [all screaming][screaming]– [growling][cheers and applause] – One of the best comics
of all time– I’m super stoked
he’s on the show– please give it up for
Mr. Brian Regan, everybody. Let him hear it.[cheers and applause]– Years ago I was a campaign
manager for a dog. [laughter] I’m not lying.
I was a campaign manager for a dog.
I’m not making this up. You guys know… remember Bud Light
had Spuds MacKenzie? crowd: Yeah.
– Yeah? Well, I wasn’t qualified
to be his campaign manager, but I was the campaign manager
for Alex the Dog from the Stroh’s beer
commercials. Now, Stroh’s beer used to be one of the most popular beers
in the country. And then I got involved. The Stroh’s ads,
they would have– Alex would go get beers
for his owner, and everybody loved the ad,
so they thought, “Let’s capitalize on this. Let’s have him run for
president of the United States.” So…yeah. So Alex can’t talk
’cause he’s a dog, so they thought, “Let’s get,
like, a funny campaign manager,” and that’s where
I failed miserably. [laughter] And what they would do is,
they wanted us to go around to different cities,
and we had to do, like, six, seven, eight events a day
with this dog, and I had to do
this campaign speech to get this dog elected. I’m not exaggerating
when I say that every single one of these events was worse than any hell gig I’ve ever done before or since. And I had like, eight a day. We would have do radio stations. We wouldn’t bring Alex,
’cause he’s a dog… [laughter] And can’t talk. And we’d show up and they’d go,
“Where’s Alex?” And I’m like, “Well,
I don’t know if they told you, “but Alex is a dog. He ain’t got no vocal cords
or nothing.” I don’t know if that’s true,
but… [laughter] He can’t talk.
And then– I said, “I’m Brian.
I’m his campaign manager. I’m gonna do all the talking.” They go, “Oh!” I’m like, “Damn.” We go into the studio,
and they would have a microphone on the floor, with a bowl of water, and they would say,
“We were hoping we’d get him to bark
into the microphone.” And I’m like, I gotta get
a manager or something ’cause I’m getting upstaged
by a dog that ain’t here. We would have to go malls,
supermarkets, and I had to, like, try to get the dog
elected, and… [laughs] I would say,
“Man, he’s a great dog. “You really–
look at him, man. “You should vote for him. He’s got great ideas.” And the handler for the dog
would sometimes just say, “Alex needs a break,” and he’d just tug on his leash and he’d just leave for like,
20 minutes to a half an hour. I needed a guy with a leash tugging on me,
“Brian needs a break.” I was getting no breaks. So I would tell
the Stroh’s people, “What do you want me to do
while Alex is gone?” And they would say, “Well, just
do the campaign speech anyway.” And I’m like,
“There’s no dog here.” [laughter] They say, “Do it anyway.” So as people are walking by,
I’d go, “Man, he’s a fantastic dog. You really got to hear
his ideas.” People are looking, going, “What–what is this guy
talking about? “There’s no dog. Somebody should get
a straightjacket for this guy.” It was horrible.
Every– I was having nightmares
at night. I was literally
having nightmares. I would wake up
in the middle of the night go, “Aah! Aah!
Oh…oh.” And then I didn’t know
whether it was better to go back to sleep or to stay awake, because both of them were
hell on Earth. It ended up–
we were in Minneapolis. This is true. I get in the car in the morning
and they said, “All right, here’s the deal,
Brian. “You’re gonna bomb
in the morning on the radio, “and then you’re gonna bomb
at the supermarket, “then you’re gonna bomb
on local TV, “then you’re gonna bomb
at a pub, “and then tonight we’re going
to an NHL hockey game. “It’s between
the Minnesota North Stars against the Chicago Blackhawks.” And I said, “Great.
So when we’re done, we get to, like,
enjoy a hockey game?” And he said,
“We’re not gonna be done. “You’re gonna go on center ice
between second and third period, “and you’re gonna
do the campaign speech to get this dog elected.” Now, at this point,
we were in the car going about 60 miles an hour. If I’d been smart,
I would have opened the door and just taken my chances
with the roadside gravel. We get to the hockey arena
that night. My heart is pounding.
I’m from Miami, Florida. I’ve never been
to a hockey match. I’d never seen ice. [laughter] I don’t want to do this. I don’t want anything to do
with this. During second period,
there’s a fight, an NHL fight. Gloves off, blood,
teeth all over the place, and I’m thinking,
“Wow, this is cool. I’ve never seen a hockey fight.” And then I went,
“Wait. I have to follow
a hockey fight.” [laughter] Buzzer ended. Stroh’s people came up and said,
“We’re gonna do something “a little different, Brian. “What we’re gonna do is we’re
gonna put Alex on the Zamboni, “and we’re gonna
drive him around and just let him circle around
the arena on the Zamboni.” I said, “Fantastic.
So you don’t need me.” They said,
“Oh, no. “You’re still going out
there to center ice “to do the campaign speech, but we thought
it would be nice if Alex”… [laughter] “Is circling you
on the Zamboni.” I’m like, “Can’t you think of
any more obstacles? “Why don’t we get an NHL guy to fire some slapshots at me?” So they get on the voice of God. “Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome from the Stroh’s beer
commercials, Alex the Dog.” And the Zamboni comes out. Alex is, like, confused. [laughter] He’s sitting next to the driver. The crowd is going berserk. They just saw a hockey fight. Now they’re seeing a dog
on a Zamboni. [laughter] They’re plenty entertained. They don’t need to see
what is about to happen. [laughter] “And now please welcome
the campaign manager: Brian Regan.” They don’t explain
that I’m his campaign manager. They don’t say
he’s running for president. There’s no context whatsoever. Just, “Please welcome
the campaign manager: Brian Regan.” So I walk out. I’d never been on ice,
so I don’t want to go fast. I’m just walking slow
to 12,000 people going, “Who the hell is this guy?” I slowly walk out to center ice
and I’m thinking, who–who am I? Wh–why am I–
and I’m looking around, I’m seeing just Alex going by
on the Zamboni. And I keep turning
the opposite direction and I just keep seeing him. And I’m like,
“What happened to me and my life “that I’m here now? What choices have I made
to be here now?” 12,000 completely confused
people. I’m not smart enough to reset
and go, “Hey, he didn’t tell you Alex is running for pre”–
I don’t say nothing. I just go, “Hey, how about
that election, huh?” [laughter] 12,000,
“Huh? What’s this guy talking about?” And I said, “You know,
a lot of people think this election
is going to the dogs.” [laughter] “We might as well vote for
somebody who’s qualified.” People start booing. I start hearing this low,
“Boo. Boo.” And I’m like,
“What the hell is going on?” And I just keep turning around,
and everywhere I look I just see round lips. “Boo. Boo.” I see Alex going by, “What the heck’s going on?” “Boo.” So I figure, “Well, maybe I’ll
get them with the next joke. “Bush and Dukakis. “Dukakis, that sounds like
something Alex might do in a bush.” [laughter] Now they’re all booing. [laughter] Now it’s unanimous. It’s the loudest thing
I’d ever heard. It was louder
than any jet engine. It was… “Boo! Boo!” And I–and I just–I thought,
“Well, it’s not smart “to face the boos.
I’ll turn around,” like over here it’s gonna be
people throwing roses. [laughter] Over here, “Boo!” Everywhere, round lips. Kids, “Boo!” Little old ladies, “Boo!” The Zamboni driver was booing. [laughter] Alex was booing.
“Boo!” So I’m thinking, “This ain’t
doing nobody no good.” I said, “Well…
you guys have been great!” [laughter] “I’m gonna get out of here. “I just wanted to come out
and have a good time with you, so good day!” “Boo!” With all the circling,
I couldn’t remember what direction I had come from,
so I’m just walking going, “I don’t think
this is the right way.” [laughter] “Boo!” And I see this guy
with a security vest going… So I have to turn. “Boo! Boo!” And from the fight there were
blood and teeth all over. I had to move–
I didn’t want to go fast, ’cause I didn’t want this
to be the end. And I look at the exit
and it’s this little square rectangle and it looks like
it’s a million miles away, and the closer I get,
the smaller the rectangle gets. It’s, like,
mathematically impossible. So I realized with the boos,
I didn’t even need to walk. “Boo!” All I had to do was stop, and the force of the boos was push–it was like
a boo sailboat. I just put my arms out. “Boo!” And it literally pushed me
through the little hole, and the next day,
Stroh’s filed for bankruptcy. [laughter] You guys are great, man.
Thank you.

41 Comments

  • Reply the chad May 19, 2019 at 1:57 pm

    Yaaaaaaaaawn…..-_-

  • Reply Andrew McDonald May 25, 2019 at 1:36 am

    His facial expressions and voices and mannerisms get old fast. I couldn't sit through his special.

  • Reply Robert Banker May 27, 2019 at 11:52 am

    I couldn't make it all the way through this story—-

  • Reply Antonio May 27, 2019 at 6:54 pm

    For the curious amongst us!!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhHD_5F1I7g Alex the dog

  • Reply Alan Smith May 29, 2019 at 3:09 pm

    Brian is a funny. This bit is not

  • Reply noah torres May 31, 2019 at 8:10 pm

    i came from the bobby lee video hows your eye brian??

  • Reply Patrick O'Donnell June 3, 2019 at 7:29 am

    Elected to what?

  • Reply Don Kraemer June 5, 2019 at 12:59 pm

    When I thought I've heard his funniest stuff, I come across this.
    I was in tears!
    He is my favorite comedian

  • Reply ickess June 5, 2019 at 10:20 pm

    Slurm!

  • Reply beatleme2 June 6, 2019 at 11:45 pm

    Wow he needs to work for Trump and take down Hitler ..er Hitlery and the dummycrats!!

  • Reply olivia paege June 9, 2019 at 4:12 am

    *booing intensifies*

  • Reply Derek Sanders June 9, 2019 at 10:06 am

    This should have 2x as many views

  • Reply Annoyed Person June 9, 2019 at 6:05 pm

    That was a great fuckin story, man.

  • Reply CONZ 808 June 12, 2019 at 5:16 am

    I remember this guy from the 90s he's halarius I think he bombed on Leno once I'm not sure he's funny but on that talk show he just wasn't.

  • Reply Agent J June 17, 2019 at 10:29 am

    So….the scapegoat to make bad ideas sound great!!!

    Don't work for assholes, they use you like a whore not a valued contribitution to the team.

  • Reply Pierced From Within June 17, 2019 at 9:12 pm

    Funniest TINH for sure, holy shit

  • Reply Amber Touch June 19, 2019 at 3:14 am

    Brian Regan is one of the funniest comedians on Earth! Pure talent, and so underrated.

  • Reply enyaoteckaable June 22, 2019 at 1:31 pm

    Just when I thought I had seen all things Brian Regan, I stumble across this! What a great find! Intro is bizarre and unrelated and his story starts slow, but if you hang in there, it'll be worth it. Too funny!!

  • Reply TheKinf2 June 25, 2019 at 2:44 pm

    This really isn’t that funny. He’s way better than this.

  • Reply TheHorizonTries June 25, 2019 at 11:40 pm

    You know its funny when you can hear spontaneous wheezes of laughter in between the actually laugh-worthy parts

  • Reply Ahmad Vahab July 3, 2019 at 2:25 pm

    What a nonsense story and not funny! How did he think this would be even interesting, nonetheless funny?

  • Reply SiglundR July 3, 2019 at 2:58 pm

    "It's not the Heat… It's the Humidity!" Great name for a team!

  • Reply Ryan Keefe July 10, 2019 at 5:59 am

    Maybe they were saying "BOO-URNS"

  • Reply Maxim X July 11, 2019 at 7:21 pm

    He's the best damnnnnnnn, was crying towards the end. Could only listen, couldn't see through the tears of laughter.

  • Reply Steve Fortuna July 14, 2019 at 2:51 pm

    Glad Strohs is no longer in business. I lived near their old brewery on Gratiot, Shitty beer, but their butter pecan ice cream was pretty damn good.

  • Reply Sticky Floor July 24, 2019 at 7:57 am

    Something about him seems familiar but I can’t remember ever seeing his standup.. looked him up cus Norm McD said he was in the top of his fav comics and now he’s in mine too lol funny af

  • Reply M July 25, 2019 at 1:48 am

    Good use of physicality for effect. A 👎 sailboat. Haha.

  • Reply David Divad July 25, 2019 at 11:41 pm

    Hilarious episode!

  • Reply notme222 July 26, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    Oddly enough I think I remember that campaign. I’d have been too young to drink so the beer name means nothing to me. But the phase “this campaign has gone to the dogs so why not vote for one?” sounds familiar.

  • Reply Carel May August 2, 2019 at 2:52 pm

    Watching this in the dead of night where you need to be early the next day is a bad idea. I'm ecstatic!

  • Reply Luc Bac August 3, 2019 at 9:17 pm

    Yum…😋
    Your embarrassment sustains us.🤣

  • Reply Michael H. August 8, 2019 at 3:23 am

    In retrospect, Joe the dog would have been a better alternative than either Bush or Dukakis.

  • Reply InterestingNameHere August 10, 2019 at 1:12 pm

    …can anyone explain to me what was funny about this at all…

  • Reply AFTERBURNER August 15, 2019 at 12:01 am

    Strohs spelled backwards is shorts.

  • Reply Harold Kerr II August 16, 2019 at 3:11 am

    I haven't laughed this hard in ages. This guy is hillarious!

  • Reply David H August 16, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    Is there anyway we can make the opening a little bit longer?

  • Reply Brad Owen August 17, 2019 at 1:07 am

    Stupid true

  • Reply mercytoday August 17, 2019 at 4:08 am

    Everyone faces soul crushing failure in their careers, keep at it

  • Reply geezusispan August 19, 2019 at 1:50 am

    I used to drink Stroh's beer. After drinking quite a few, I noticed backwards, it spells shorts.

  • Reply Comedy Central Stand-Up August 21, 2019 at 2:53 pm

    Get ready to cringe – watch comedians’ most insane fails from This Is Not Happening here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5oxn193dgOORoqNx9pE7wSl

  • Reply jck1794 August 22, 2019 at 9:27 pm

    He ain't lyin. An arena full of hockey fans booing is probably the loudest thing I've ever heard in my life lol

  • Reply James Carlin August 23, 2019 at 7:12 pm

    Can opening be any longer? Holy shit

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