– Mata Rani calling.
– Answer. – Mata Rani calling.
– Answer… – Mata Rani calling.
– Answer! – Hello?
– Hi, mom. How are you? How would I be
with a useless son like you? What happened now, mom? Then why don’t you ask Tim
to get us iPhones at a discount? Mom, I’m very busy these days.
I don’t have the time. Don’t lie to me. You’re prancing around the kitchen
in a traffic cop’s uniform all day! Mom, not a traffic cop, it’s NASA.
I’m rehearsing for a space journey. I don’t care, just get us our iPhone. Mom, I’ve sent you the money.
Buy it yourself. Oh God! How could I possibly tell people that I paid money
to buy an iPhone in India? Then what’s the point of
having a son residing in USA? Just go and get it for us. Rose Gold for me and Jet Black for dad. – Got it?
– Ok. – Fine, I’ll send it across.
– Ok, listen. Visit a studio and get a nice picture of yourself.
We have to send it to the girl’s family. Mom, just do a Google search. Moreover, I’m in the papers
and on TV everyday. But not on Amar Ujala. Now, shut up and send me a picture.
I have to get your dad’s sugar tested, bye. – Ok, hang up.
– I don’t understand. – Hang up!
– I don’t understand. – Hang up!
– I don’t understand. Hang up! We’ll bring you an April winter…
Take you on a tour of Mars and Jupiter… Chill with corpses and
hang out with ghosts for you… Climb the Eiffel Tower
to sing a heartbreak song for you… And make our enemies at the border
dance to an item song… Blow your worries away…
Smoke up all the stash… To hell with the planets,
chart your own destiny… Blow your worries away…
You’re wild and untamed… Smile now, buddy…
Tathaastu to your wish coming true! [Office phone ringing] Access denied. Sir, how many times have
I told you to change the biometrics? Aren’t we waiting for the keys again?
Where’s Santosh? Santosh has gone to
make Aadhar card for Bijli. Who the f**k is Bijli? You don’t know Bijli?
She is Santosh’s bae. Outdated! I’m telling you, I want coffee. I’ll break someone’s head. – I want coffee
– Chill, warrior. What? – Whisky?!
– You wasted it. Ask before you drink. Loli my boy, we’ve gotten our salaries
today and it’s ladies’ night as well. – We’re going out to party.
– Oh yeah, DK! Oh sh*t! Oh sh*t! DK, something important has come up at home. – It’s a bit urgent…
– So, you’re ditching then? No, Seriously.
Okay then. Ok, Santosh… listen… On your way back, you’ll see
Dayachand stores along the road, pick up three packets ofpapad,
half a kilo ofnamkeenand half a kilo of Chakli… and… wait a second… Ok, Santosh, we’ll talk later. – What’s up, son?
– I’m fine. I saw your interview with… The baldie from Amazon… Bezos… you’ve sent him packing! He’s no match for us. Wait and watch,
we’ll finish off Alexa and Siri. Everyone will say… Alexa, please order Vatsa for me
and just f**k off! Are you done? Now listen to me. Mom is hell-bent on getting me married. Tell her and help her understand
that I just don’t have the time. Have you lost it? Sister never listens to me. – Is that so?
– No. Alright. Then I’ll talk to mom. I’ll tell her about the losses that the company has suffered
because of her dear brother. Have you lost your mind?
I’ll talk to her. I’m your uncle. – I’m not your step-uncle.
– Good. And listen… pack two iPhones for mother. Don’t forget to write
“Imported from America” on it. One Jet Black and a Rose Gold, ok? Can I get one for myself… You can mail me the rest of the small talk. Ok, bye. He’s our founder.
I fed him almonds for three years straight, Showed him inspirational movies every Saturday
to turn him into the man he is today. These idiots can’t catch a break even
even in the morning! Tathaastu! Tathaastu! – Where is Santosh?
– Santosh? Santosh is buying snacks
and savouries for sir right now. He’ll take time. Don’t talk nonsense.
Shruti, no… no! Listen to me… Here’s his live location… see… Shruti don’t…! Shruti, stop! What the f**k happened?
Who wants to be killed early morning today! Shruti, mind your language. Shruti, mind your language. Hello, Tathaastu, make your wish. Bijli doesn’t want
my last name in her Aadhar card… This is broken. The wedding is today and
they just got to know the girl is Maanglik. Looks fine to me. In fact, the boy looks more Maanglik. One second… Zoom in on the boy’s father. Oh my! This is the owner of Dayachand stores… Why do you look so confused?? All these nachos, chips, pickles,
where do they come from? Dayachand’s stores. And that too in the same flavour. Nobody makes it better than him… Sir, can we focus on the case now? What do we do with the Maanglik girl? I’ll do one thing,
I’ll just call up a friend of mine. He’s an amazing person. The Peepal tree that
Aishwarya Rai got married to… We’ll get the girl married
to the same tree. If she can win Miss World,
then how is she Maanglik? So many footballers are Maanglik,
he doesn’t know it. – Who?
– One of them is that guy… – who makes his hair like this?
– Ronaldo? Yes. And the other one is Masi essi. Massi(Aunt)? – Yours or mine?
– Sir, look at Messi… 4 goals, 23 shots,
1 assist and 1 golden ball. Sir, teams are packing
the box against him. He’s anything but Maanglik. Sir, I just checked and she’s right. Sorry, I just came in to hand over these documents. Forget her. She’s staring at the computer all day. Hillary Clinton,
lost the 2016 US Elections, she’s Maanglik. In that case, you’d also say
even Advani is Maanglik. He is, she doesn’t know! What’s this? Then, you’ll just declare everyone in the world as Maanglik. This is utter nonsense! One second, Shruti…
there’s no need to riled up. Have some water. And get your horoscope checked, dear. – Maybe you’re Maanglik too.
– No, sir. – Shruti can’t be Maanglik.
– Why? Because Maanglik girls are hot.
Look at her! Not funny. Besides, I don’t understand why we fear Mars. Humans are travelling to Mars,
but are afraid to walking down the aisle? Shruti, language…
No abusive language. Everything can’t be explained so easily. Then how else is it explained, sir? – Astrology. It can explain everything.
– No, sir. More than the astrologer, your neighbour knows
what’s going on in your life. The person who writers proverbs
on the back of his auto-rickshaw knows more than the neighbour. Like, ‘Life is a mess, but the ego trip never ends’. Sir, I feel like it was written for you. Sir, tell them to wish for something else. No… we are Tathaastu. We can’t say no.
We have to find solutions. I promised Aishwarya’s Peepal tree… I hope the Municipality
hasn’t cut it down. – What?
– No, nothing. Thinking. Madam, print this out for me. Ok, Santosh. Mail it to me, I’ll check. I’ve mailed it to you, divorce.pdf. I’ll need three copies. – Why three?
– Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! Santosh, wait… what happened?
Think about it. Why are you divorcing Bijli? Madam, tell me something,
a wife who is unwilling to link her husband’s name
to her Aadhar card… How long can I live with her?
It won’t be possible. Listen, you think about it.
I’ll send you the printout. Think about it. People are linking their
Aadhar card to their PAN cards and we’re linking our divorce. Bijli! Why did you do this, Bijli? Ahuja sir… Ahuja sir… excuse me… The framework that we were
discussing for the Vatsa meeting… I have some ideas for that, sir. But… that meeting
was postponed, dear. I’ll let you know
the moment it’s confirmed, ok? Sir, that… What do I do until then?
Suck my blood Until then… lock… repair the lock. Get the ones that use thumb prints. – Ok, dear?
– Sir… Sure, sir. I’ll get it done, but… If I could be given
a bit more challenging work… Challenging? Just kill me Challenging… uh…
what challenging work can I give you? Oh! Get the face-unlock system instead. Like the one in my phone.
See this, unlock… Lock… unlock… lock… Just this, dear.
I’ll let you know later what to do next – Sir…
– Good going! DK, get through there…
Get through and shoot. Wait! The girl’s family has refused. – They’ve rejected the Peepal tree option.
– Why? Something about Abhishek’s curse Befell the tree, so it dried up…
I don’t know, man! – Have you thought about anything?
– Yes. Do you do anything besides
playing FIFA all day? Of course, we have. What do you mean?
We’ve thought of solutions and… Option one, we’ll tell the girl
that the boy is a moron. Leave him and break the alliance. She’s in love with him
and love makes a person… – A moron?
– Exactly, next! Let’s tell the groom’s family that the bride’s family will
bear the reception expenses as well. They’ve already offered more dowry. It’s a Marwari family.
They’re drowned in money. Next. If that girl fasts
for 108 Tuesdays and for the whole week
duringKarwa Chauththen – the boy is safe.
– Loli … What a great idea! They want to get married today.
So, next. Then let’s help them elope
and get married. A court-marriage in Kalyan,
then put them on a bus to Aurangabad. From there, a honeymoon in Nashik
and once that’s done… – Then it’s just about…
– “A happy united family”! Well done, man. – Yeah!
– This idea isn’t actually bad. But let’s keep it as a back-up.
Any more ideas? Yes. Can you please f**k off? You guys spent the entire first half
to think of this? Should I tattle and get you a pay cut? Shruti, cut your moustache off first! Get your upper lips done.
You look more like a Shubham than Shruti. What are you doing? Shruti, what’s this! DK… Your turn. Hi, Ultra Securities? Sir, we want to install face recognition
lock for around fifteen employees. Huh? What do you mean by “the watchman
will recognise them and open the gate”? We need automated face recognition. Hey sister! What’s up? Greetings! All good, dear.
Just that my hands pain quite often. That’s because you are always on the phone Let me send you a back-cover with a stand. Why will you send it? I’ll ask Dev to send it
along with the phone. Ok, listen…
what do you think about that girl? I mean, Didi I already have a wife so… Having two of them… Idiot, I’m not talking about you. I was asking for Dev. Oh, yes… “Mom’s hellbent getting me married.” “Help her understand,
I just don’t have the time.” What are you thinking about?
We’ve to get the boy married. Yes… yes…
we have to get him married, Didi. – Otherwise this boy will flee to Mars.
– What? I mean, find a girl for him
who can keep him grounded. – Yes.
– You’re right. I’ll find an assertive girl like me,
you also keep a lookout. If we search together,
we’ll find one sooner. Alright, bye. – Sir…
– Hmm? Sir, I’ve called the company. Their man will come to take the pictures
and install the lock by evening. Very good… ok. Sir, actually, I was saying that… Can we discuss the virtual assistant
framework until then? She’s relentless, man… You know, I was thinking that this face-unlock system isn’t… it isn’t good enough.
It can’t be trusted. My evil twin could
show up and unlock it. Do one thing,
install a voice unlock system instead. That’s the best.
It’ll unlock on hearing my voice. And how will I open it? Bijli won’t let my name onto her Aadhar card
and you won’t let me into the office. Let’s do one thing,
get a lock and key for Santosh. Thank you for understanding me. – Do you want something?
– No, nothing. Go on. Alright. – Ok?
– Yes. Ok, sir, please say it
in a clear, consistent voice, “Anil Ahuja”, then it’ll unlock. – Can we say anything?
– Yes, sir. We can. ‘If you get scared,
you’ll die’. – Sir?
– ‘If it suits my will…’ – Sir!
– ‘…I’ll eat a dog’. Let me think. ‘My name is Bulla,
don’t mess with me fella.’ ‘Bad man!’ Lighter. Listen, what do they do
when the girl is aManglik? They get her married to a dog, a cow or a pig. So that the dog dies
instead of the husband? How do I know? I didn’t get an invite saying,
Pooja weds Tuffy Natasha weds Sheru. What kind of a name is Sheru? Natasha… Sheru is my friend.
How does it matter anyway? I’ve lost faith in marriage.
Can I have a drag? Do you know,
Bijli doesn’t value my relationship. She hasn’t mentioned my name
even in her Aadhar card. I didn’t even match horoscopes with her. Seeing her cuteness,
I just swiped right on Tinder. Do you know what was my pick line? What was it? Bijli, you electrified my body. Listen… Return the cigarette. Who are you? Hmmm?
Who are you? Tell me. Why should she add your name to hers? She did a favour by swiping right
despite of your moronic face. What such thing have you
achieved in life that she should add your name to hers? I married her, madam.
Tradition must be valued. Married her, eh?
Show me your Aadhar card. – Give it.
– It is an Original copy. Madam, it’s the original copy. – What’s Bijli’s full name?
– Bijli Shukla. Santosh Bijli Shukla. Take it. And get Bijli to talk to me. I’ll tell her that marrying this donkey
might have alligned her ‘Mars’ in wrong direction So she should marry a good person now. Changing wife’s name, eh! Moron! Yes! I have decided on the command! The command is “Ahuja, dream-team!”. Just like “Open up, Seesam!” Ahuja, dream-team? – It’s nice, sir.
– Thank you. But do you have any other option? Yes, I do have a back-up ready.
The second one is… “Ahuja is pleased!”
How is it? – This one is good too, sir.
– Thank you. But what if you become sad some day,
you’ll find it difficult to say. Oh… So what were you thinking? – “Please unlock”?
– Huh? Please? I’ll say please in my own office?
That too, to the lock? No, mine’s better.
Come on, it’ll be fun. Ok, sir. So, you can… In a natural voice, ok? “Ahuja… is pleased!” – Fine?
– Sir… yes, it was nice. But suppose you have
a sore throat some day… then you’ll be forced to work from home. Let’s do one thing. We’ll record this one. Another line has come to my mind. It’s possible that
I might forget the first line. Let’s do this! Come on… DK, I lost again. That’s fine, pal. Change the team, don’t select Argentina. Ahuja was right, Messi isManglik. Shruti, don’t take it away this time. My turn has come after a long time[e] I thought about the plan to elope. No, I was just kidding.
Don’t take it seriously. – He’s a rich businessman’s son…
– Too late. Hello… hi, chips? You’ve had a love marriage, right? Look, don’t panic. This is very normal [f]… What’s the big deal in eloping?.[g] No… it’s in fact unique. Your children will think that
their parents were so adventurous. By the way, they’re such
a good looking couple, isn’t it? Their story could be turned into a film,
a biopic. We’ll definitely watch it. Want to continue with some more small talks? Here are your IDs.
Here are your bank accounts. You must have enough money
to survive 6-7 months. I’m sure you guys
will figure it out by then. Problem solved! – Congratulations!
– It’s time for some sweets, DK. You… you eat it, man. – Give it to them.
– Have some, brother. – Those are tears of joy!
– Sister’s tears of joy! – Congratulations!
– I had a lot of dreams. I love Akash.
I never wanted to end up like this. I’m going to blame myself
for the rest of my life now. Why do you blame yourself?
Blame the boy. Look, I know that
my family is a bit old school. Old school? Doesn’t seem that they ever went to school.
They’re good people, man. They’re just a bit superstitious. Will somebody tell them
to f**k off or should I? I have a ladies’ night to attend.
Let me go. – This won’t be possible today.
– I’m paying for it. – Then it’s possible.
– Hey, wait. Nobody is going anywhere
until this case is resolved. Sir, I’ve even made them elope.
What more can I do now? You can beat superstition
with superstition. Yeah! You’re right! Oh s**t! Brilliant! Should I tell dad that
I don’t wish to marry Akash? Yes. What are you saying, brother?
That’s not the solution we’re looking for. Listen, I have a plan.
It’ll work out. Manu… I told you that Tathaastu was useless. This fellow is wearing
a ‘game over’ hoodie at work! That’s ok, he is still looks cute.
I think you have to trust me on this. – Akash…
– Please agree, sister. Moreover, a bus leaves for Aurangabad
every ten minutes. We’ll put you on one. Hmmm. Akash, trust me on this. We are in. Ok. Hello? Yes, dad. Dad, cancel the wedding. Call up Akash’s father and
tell him I don’t want to get married. Why?
Because… the family is regressive. I won’t be happy there, dad. Yes… Bye… bye, dad. Bye.
00:21:31:115 to 00:21:32:760
Bro-in-law your turn now – Yes, dad?
– Listen… Mansi’s father called. He said, “forget your refusal, we don’t
want to go ahead with this wedding”. Such arrogance! Though coinsidently,
everything turned out to be fine Now get over with your feelings of love
if you care about your family’s honour. Yes, dad. All is well. It’s fine. I think everything will be fine
in the future too. What will be fine? We too have rejected a Maanglik, not Goddess Lakshmi… dad. – F**k…
– What? – Love you, dad.
– I love you too, son. Boss, what’s your plan? Your father’s company is making the same
flavour of papad for the last 70 years. Even the classic Mughal-E-Azam
has been released in colour now. All your car numbers are 108. Your house plot number is 108. Even the number of employees
in your company… – 108.
– Really? How is superstition created?
When glass breaks at home… – the son passes away the next day.
– Bad omen! – The cat crossed your path…
– You met with an accident further down. Bad omen! Without a cause-effect analysis, we… mistake a coincidence
to be a universal truth. This is called superstition. We’ll use this weakness against your dad. And it all begins with… Cockroach. Now we know that we found
a cockroach in Dayachand chips. But if we tweet this, then… One bad tweet or negative comment
can get a million retweets. Small cockroaches in big packets
are common place. Ask the cockroach,
ask Mr. Dayachand. We’ve found a cockroach today,
we’ll find a rat tomorrow. Down with Dayachand sweets! Friends, cockroach is high in protein. Do they have cockroaches
in the nachos too? Lays never has any cockroaches. What are people talking about
on Twitter, son? Don’t worry, dad.
This is just a coincidence. Thanks to quality media which will run shows
on any such senseless news on their channels,
without any background checks. Good evening and
welcome to Cheepublic TV. Today, we have with us on our panel,
astrology expert Mr. Anjaan Daruwala. By rejecting that girl,
they have… crossed swords with Mars. – [ON TV]You will not just…
– What are they debating on TV, son? Don’t panic, dad.
It’s just a coincidence. Who thought that doing some
small talk with the company CA will fetch you a missionary
on the wedding night. Uncle, why are our company share prices
going down all of a sudden? Son, even the share prices
are getting affected now. All this started after the girl
turned down the marriage. Dad, don’t panic.
This is just a coincidence. Not coincidence, son. This is a pattern.
Let me talk to the priest. Yes, dad. What are you saying? The auspicious time is slipping away … Get married? Dad, she’ll have to marry a Peepal tree.
After all, she’s a Maanglik. Yes, I’m a Maanglik. And tell them that I’ll ruin everything. Dad, you can’t agree for the marriage
without the Peepal tree. – What if something happens to me?
– Peepal… Peepal… Damn the Peepal. If Lakshmi rejects us,
we’ll end up on the streets. – Come over, where are you?
– Alright, dad. As you wish. Thank you so much, Mr. Loli. – Thank you so much.
– Congratulations. Thank you so much. Without you… – Our game would’ve been over.
– I know. All of you must attend our wedding. Actually, tonight… it’s ladies’ night. Uh… thank you. – You must come too, please.
– Sure. Uh… Oh, sorry… I haven’t disabled
the voice lock, just a second. Wait… you don’t have to do anything. “Ahuja is here,
won’t you open the door?” – Access granted.
– It’s open. In just one attempt. Send us the honeymoon pictures… ok? – Bye, god bless!
– Greetings! So who’s attending the reception with me? Damn, no respect at all!
It’s ok, Ahuja. March on alone. Hey Bijli… Listen, it’s alright if you don’t
have my name in your Aadhar card. If you wish, I’ll remove my name
from my Aadhar card too. Because I’ve become a feminist now. Ah, yes… I forgot the keys. Wait, I’ll call you back.
Let me call Ahuja… – Hello, sir?
– Huh? – Were you sleeping?
– Huh… I was thinking if you’ll have
scrambled eggs for breakfast. – Huh.
– Are you happy, sir? – Huh.
– Then say it. Ahuja is pleased! Ok, sir. Go to sleep now. If you stay awake for too long,
you’ll get dark circles. Wait, the lock has opened.
Hey Bijli… What is the child’s problem? He wants admission in Shri Ram College. Then I swear on Lord Rama, his admission will be sorted. Admission will be sorted but someone has to swap the seat. 92% Jharkhand board, do you know? My photo is still in the topper’s board. Long distance relationships are like cricket test matches. Doesn’t matter how many bouncers or swings come your way, you have to stay put. – Hello.
– Yes? Ahuja speaking? Yes. If you molest my shoulders once more… – Shoulder… molest… hello?
– Then umbrella… up your a**… up your a**. I’ll shove it up your a**!