– Midland Moles. Number 32,
2 minutes for high-sticking! – Oh, come on! High-stickin’?
My stick wasn’t high! His face was too low!
We need a real ref-o here, not some blind asshole
with a whistle! I mean, hockey is
a contact sport, right? We’re not playing badminton
out here! Oh, come on Parker! Get up! I barely touched ya! You can still skate
with a bloody nose! Let’s go! Hockey’s not what
it used to be, right? I remember back in the day,
ha! my brothers and I, we used to play the game
no equipment, smashin’ each other
in the face over and over! But we always got up. I mean, if anyone ever dared
fall into a coma ’cause of all the cross checks, oh! mom
woulda disowned him right there. – Hey, Turner! Turner!
Your girlfriend’s a dirty slut! (snickering)
– What’s that? What’d you just say to me, huh? Say it again. Come on,
I dare you. Please say it. Make my day bud.
(laughing) (man clearing his throat)
– Mr. Turner. – Yeah?
– I’m gonna have to ask you to come with us, please.
– Oh, come on! We’re just havin’ a little fun
here. You’re not gonna arrest me just ’cause I’m havin’ a little
fun with Parker, right bud? We’re just havin’ fun,
aren’t we Parker? – We’re not here for that,
Mr. Turner. Come with us. It’s about your brothers.
– My brothers? (suspense music) (applause)
– Whoa-hoa-hoa-hoa! Isn’t that amazing? (signature tune) (doorbell sounding repeatedly) – (man): Will ya knock it off?
I’m comin’! – [Hello.]
– Hey! Johnny boy! – Mayday! Mayday!
This is DC Flight 132! – That is exactly how
it happened, buddy! (drunken hiccupping) (sighing) – My brothers? They’re both workin’ up north!
– Nuh-uh. Kevin and Rambo
are here, Mr. Turner. And let’s just say
they didn’t waste any time lettin’ us know
they were back. – This footage here was taken
off a surveillance camera from a doughnut shop
in Brampton. – They started off by throwing
maple doughnuts at a patrol car…
(pausing to chew) before destroying it with their hockey sticks!
Real nut jobs! – How do you know
that’s my brothers? – Ha! Well,
identifying the suspects was a mere formality.
– Idiots. – They were arrested this
morning with 12 charges against them, so… (moaning in effort
and then laughing) – Well, can I see them? – That all depends
on you, Mr. Turner. – Who are you?
– Name’s McClane. Brampton’s chief
of police. – And a hockey team’s coach.
You want a doughnut, chief? They’re delicious.
– Shut up, Ray. Mr. Turner, your brothers’ fate
is entirely in your hands. – What do you mean?
– The Lower Northland Hockey League Final
is this Saturday. And for the 4th time running,
your team, the Midland Moles,
is playing my team, the Brampton Bulls.
– Yeah, and it’s gonna be the 4th massacre in a row,
you can count on that! – Ha-ha!
– Mr. Turner. You’re the main reason
we lost the last 3 games! Three years ago,
you destroyed our best player! (thud)A year after, it was
our star goalie’s turn.And then the next year,you convinced the referee
to deny us a goal!– Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!That goal was no good.
I’m almost 50% sure of it. – No matter. This year,
you’re gonna take it easy. You get me?
– Uh, sorry chief. I don’t think that’s
gonna happen. – Listen, you little punk,
if my team wins the game, I let your brothers go,
I destroy the video, I forget they ever
even existed. – Hey, wait a minute. Are you asking me to sell out
my teammates and throw the game? – Pretty much, yeah. – But this is blackmail.
It’s totally illegal! (laughing)
– Right. – Oh, that’s good! Listen Turner, let’s just
say that here in Brampton, I’m the one who decides
what’s legal or not. Am I making myself clear?
– And what if I say no? What if I decide that
we’re gonna demolish you like we always do, huh?
What are you gonna do then? – I’ll personally put
your brothers on the dangerous
offenders list. They’ll be transferred to
a maximum security prison, where they’ll do 40 years
without possibility of parole, until 2040! – 40 years! They’ll be old farts
by the time they get out. – Yeah, and they still
won’t be allowed to be within 500 feet of
a maple-glazed doughnut. – Any other
questions, Turner? (all snickering) (sighing) – Ah, what I’m I gonna do? (church bells ringing) Father, I got
a difficult choice to make. – My son,
a poorly shorn sheep lives in the barn of indecision, hmm? – Right. But in my case,
it’s just that the police asked me to…
to let them win the finals. (forced laugh)
– In the garden of bliss, the flowerbeds
are always well groomed. (clearing his throat)
– Yeah. Well, that’s sort of, I think,
what I’ve been telling myself because if I let them win, I
keep my brothers out of prison. That’s kind of a big
deal, ya know. – Ah! The fraternal love of an owl
is never greater than the doubt of
the grazing goat. – Uh-huh. Right. But what exactly
are you tryin’ to tell me? Do I win the game
or do I help my brothers? – Defeat will always be
a bitter fruit to a circumcised shepherd. So it is written. Hmm?
– All right. – You gotta cut it with
the parables, man! I don’t
understand a word you’re sayin’! – Go in peace, my son.
And never forget: It’s a sin not to use
this wonderful talent God hath given you. In the name
of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,
I give you my blessing to pound them all
into the boards. Every… single… one. – Okay, but what about
my brothers? (laughing evilly) (signature tune) – Good evening,
sports fans! This is Ron Lebrun
comin’ to you live from the Midland Arena
parking lot. We’re expecting
at least 10 spectators for tonight’s big
Lower Northland Final. And with me tonight is
Mrs. Dawson, whose son Bob happens to be the Zamboni
driver. How do ya like that? Mrs. Dawson, any prognosis
on the outcome? Go ahead. – Oh yes. I got my
diagnosis yesterday. And they said it’s a
problem with my gastro… They said I need
to fart more. – Yeah. Uh,
I said prognosis. But as we prepare for
this epic clash of the titans, what’s your prediction,
Mrs. Dawson? – Yes, I have my prescription.
They gave it yesterday to me. See? It’s not so bad. It tastes
a little bit like antifreeze. – Uh…
(gulping sounds) Okay, we’re just
gonna you. All right. (speaking louder) Uh, Mrs. Dawson, who do you
think will come away victorious in this mythical duel
to the death? – I’m not dying. You won’t get rid of me
that easy, young fella. (stomach gurgling) Please point me
to the bathroom. – Uh, well, Mrs. Dawson, thank you so much for
this moving testimony. Stay with us folks. We’ll be
right back after the break for the start of this historic game!
(stomach gurgling) (farting) (howling) – Listen up,
you zebras from hell! You may be the most unbeatable
champions in the galaxy, but if you think
this game’s gonna be easy,
you’re as wrong as mammoths! – Oh, come on, coach!
We beat them 3 years in a row with our eyes closed!
They totally suck. – Yeah, they suck.
It’s true, they suck. But they’re not
the same team this year. No sir! They went and got
new players for the final. And not just any players.
(moaning in effort) First, on offense, the sheriff they brought
all the way from Wyoming! Sam “the Sniper” Sawyer! (western music) (hitting the puck) (moaning) (laughing evilly) Watch out, Gordon. You’ll have
to be quick like a bunny. (gulping in fear)
They also got a new
right winger from Russia! Russia! Sergei Kutchadickov. They call him
“the Siberian Vampire”! (hissing) (dramatic organ music) (laughing evilly) – Coach? Why do
they call him that? – It seems he has a thing
for bleeding faces. – Bleeding faces? – Yeah. It makes him happy when
he sees people’s faces bleed. For some people,
it’s a sunny day. For him, it’s bleeding faces! And to beef up their defense,
boys, they got Walter Thompson! – You don’t mean the prison
guard who became the UFC champ? – Yes! (moaning in pain) He holds the world record for
staying in an electric chair without dying.
(laughing) Watch out boys! Watch out! This guy is one tough cookie,
that’s for sure! – Guys, we’re gonna get killed.
I say we call it a game right now.
– What are you saying Turner?! Sure, they might be bigger, uglier, stronger and a lot more
dangerous than we are. But Turner,
you’re a raging beaver, a Bangladeshi polar bear! A howling wolf on skates! (all howling) All you have to do is slam their
best players into the boards, like you always do,
and victory will be ours! Victory will be ours! – (teammates): Turner!
Turner! Turner! Turner! Turner! Turner! (laughing) (hockey organ music) (snickering) – Okay boys, I want
a nice clean game. No fighting like last year,
you got that? – They started it.
– Yeah, right! It was your dumbass number 8 who
speared me right in the jock! – Sure, but you’re
the one who farted in the goalie’s
face to distract him. – A perfectly legal strategy.
I call it crop dusting. – Oh yeah? How about I give you
a perfectly legal strategy right in your stupid arse
face right now! – Come on! You want a go?
You want to do this right now? ‘Cause I’ll go right now.
Let’s go right now! – Wanna go? I’ll go. Let’s go! – Come on, I’m waiting.
(charging yell) – Okay boys,
calm down now, will ya? – I’ll go all over your face!
– Oh boy! – I’m goin’ on ya!
– This is gonna be a long night. (blowing his whistle)
– Holy smokes! You farted! (rock music) (moaning and laughing) (horn sounding)
– Oh! That’s great! (referee blowing his whistle) (moaning and cheering) (moaning and cheering) (laughing) (horn sounding) (referee blowing his whistle)
– Come on guys! The game ain’t over yet!
(moaning) (horn sounding) (referee blowing his whistle) (hockey organ music) – Don’t give up now, my little
bunny rabbit commandos! It’s… it’s all
in your head, boys! It doesn’t hurt
as much as it looks. It- (crashing sound)
Oh! – Come on Turner! What
are ya waitin’ for? Stop screwin’ around!
– What do you want me to do? They’re really good
at hockey, ya know. – (both): Surprise! (snickering)
– Kevin! Rambo! What are you guys doin’ here?
– We came down for the final. We wanted to surprise you.
– Surprise! (both laughing) – You mean you just
got here from up north? – Yeah. We’re a little late. There was a lotta
traffic on the 401. – But I don’t get it.
I saw you guys throwin’ maple glazed doughnuts
on a police car at the doughnut shop
yesterday morning. – I think someone got whacked on
the head too many times. You’re startin’ to
lose it little bro. We weren’t in town yesterday.
(laughing) – Yeah, you were. You were
wearin’ those pink ski masks. (stick hitting a puck
and horn sounding) – Oh no. (crowd cheering) (guys laughing)– Identifying the suspects
was a mere formality.(laughing on the video) – Those dirty rotten scumbags! They made me believe
it was you guys! – I don’t understand
what he’s talkin’ about. – Ugh!
– Surprise! (laughing) (signature tune) – What a game,
ladies and gentlemen! It’s already 4-nothing
after only 2 periods! What an unforeseen twist! Turner, the Midland Moles’
heavyweight star, doesn’t seem to be performing
well tonight. Unless there’s
a spectacular turnaround, it looks like
the Moles’ carrot is cooked! And to talk about it all,
with me tonight is T-Bone,
the Brampton Bulls’ mascot, and Momo,
the Midland Moles’ mascot. We’ll start with you, Momo. How do you explain the total and
utter annihilation of your team? – Uh, you know, listen, the boys are workin’ hard
in the corners there but at the moment, the puck just
isn’t bouncin’ their way. But I figure, if they gave 110%,
I think they’ll be able to come back, maybe score 3 or 4
in the 3rd there Ron. – All right, T-Bone. Your team
is really on fire tonight. Someone better call 9-1-1!
(laughing) – Definitely Ron! The Bulls
are dominating this game, with their grit
and determination. We’re seein’ some real good
hockey tonight bud. – Yeah, your new recruits
are workin’ out really well. They’re kickin’
some serious butt. – Definitely Ron.
I don’t know where they got these guys but I gotta say, they’re all playin’ with
real finesse along the boards. – You can say that again!
So what can we expect in the 3rd period there Momo? – Oh definitely,
ya know, Ron, the Moles are gonna
be goin’ all out for sure and look for a
lucky bounce, 110%. My hat’s off to these guys.
I think they’re gonna make quite the comeback there Ron.
– Ha! Comeback? Come on! Forget it bud! This year,
the Moles suck balls! – What’d you say to
me? Say it again. – Moles suck balls!
Moles suck balls! – I’ve had enough of this bull! – Ah! Get off me!
I’ll give you a T-bone! Ow! Ow!
– That’s right. – Ha-ha! Well, this looks
promising, sports fans! Get ready, buckle up,
here we go! After the break,
it’s the 3rd period! – Sack attack!
(moaning and ripping sound) – You frigged up my costume!
You’re sewin’ that back on! (howling) – Come on you…
hamsters of the Apocalypse! You can’t give up now boys! It’s
only 4-nothing. I’m telling you, this game ain’t over yet!
No way! (interrupted howl)
– Sorry coach. I got somethin’
I need to tell everyone. Okay, well, I don’t quite know
how to say this, ya know. It’s not somethin’ that’s easy
for me to admit but I… I gotta get it off my chest! I mean, I can’t keep this inside
anymore! It’s killin’ me! – Wait a minute. You’re gay?
– What? What’re- What’re you talkin’ bout?
– Oh, no way! I totally never knew
you were gay! You guys know that?
– Uh, well, I don’t know how to- Uh, do we shower together or? – No, just shut up a minute.
You guys aren’t listenin’ to me. – Ah, come on Turner! It’s okay. You can tell us.
We don’t care, ya know. Like, I know people
that know gay people. – Oh! Look, you guys
don’t get it! All right? I’m tryin’ to tell you
that the chief of police forced me
to throw the game so our team would lose or else he was gonna
send my brothers to prison! – So is he gay or not?
– Ugh! I was screwed by
the chief of police! – He’s gay.
– Okay, the next guy who opens his mouth is gonna eat
his jockstrap! You got that? – Okay, okay! Take it eas’ buds! – Now listen to me boys! I’m
takin’ control of the situation. And I swear,
we’re gonna win this game. This just got personal!
– Yeah! We’re gonna win this game boys!
We’re gonna win this game! – Okay but, you know, we’re still down
4 to nothing though. – Oh, don’t you worry.
A little help’s comin’ our way in the 3rd boys. (howling) (whistle sounding) (rock music playing
and crowd cheering) – Uh-oh. (crowd cheering)
– Surprise! (laughing) (horn sounding, players cheering
and whistle sounding) (players moaning and
whistle sounding repeatedly) (horn sounding and
– Oh! (moaning in slow motion) – Ooh!
(laughing) (laughing and then moaning) (horn sounding
and crowd cheering) – What an unbelievable turn-
around, ladies and gentlemen! The Moles are all over the ice! They’re skating circles around
the Bulls like the Ice Capades! What a show folks! Wow!
Overtime starts soon. The 1st team that scores wins
the game, as you know. But hold the phone!
Wait just a minute! The Brampton Bulls are
making a goal-tending change. Oh my… goodness! In fact,
it’s Hiroshi… Hashashimi, an ex-military officer
who became a sumo champion. (moaning in effort) The Brampton Bulls brought him all the way from Nagasaki
in a shipping container! That’s gotta be uncomfortable. (crowd reacting) (all laughing) – Hey, it’s no fair
out there! That fatso is
pluggin’ up the whole net! – Yeah. You couldn’t even get
a dime past him! (laughing)
– What? – Boys! Don’t fall apart
on me now! Remember: You’re
the best of the best! You’re like a pack of…
of… flesh-eating caribou! A school of killer squids!
(making noises with his mouth) You’re like a- I’m gonna get it. You are like ice gophers! On a bender boys! And you’re not comin’ home ’til somebody gets pregnant! Come on boys! Come on!
– Okay boys, boys. Listen up. He’s just
like any other goalie. And we’re gonna beat him like
any other goalie, okay? Coach. You have a Japanese dictionary?
– Of course champ! I always got one with me.
It’s the 2004 edition. I find it’s
an excellent edition. – That’s perfect coach. Thanks.
(speaking in Japanese) (horn sounding) (teammates cheering) – Wahoo! Ha! Ha! Ha! Aaaaaah! (moaning)
– Why? (crying) – I don’t believe it!
This is incredible! The Midland Moles won!
What a go! What a comeback!
What a game! Midland has won the Lower
Northland World Championship for the 4th year in a row! (all cheering and laughing) Closed Captioning by SETTE inc.